I always thought of myself as a feminist but there are days where I no longer fully understand what that even means. To me the essence of feminism was about giving women a choice and celebrating that choice whatever it may be. My Mum was a stay at home mum, she was there every day when I came home from school, it was what she wanted and I believe it gave me the structure I needed when I was younger and benefited the family as a whole. It was what worked best for us then. I on the other hand have been to University (twice – I like to learn!) and have worked for most of my adult life. The reason I stopped working was to take care of my family, it became impractical to work while my Mum was undergoing cancer treatment and I had young children at home. As Mum has improved though I feel a sense of judgement.
“When are you going back to work?”
“You can’t sit around and do nothing you know!”
“Do you really want to be one of those stay at home mums who doesn’t have a life?”
“You’re better than that?”
All comments that I have had thrown at me recently and I began to wonder at what point did we stop celebrating a woman’s right to choose and decide it was okay to judge each other for not doing everything? There is no way I could have taken care of my family, taken my Mum to the hospital daily and worked a full time job and I was incredibly lucky that I was in a position where I didn’t have to but at what point did putting your family first make you open to judgement. Looking through the jobs pages I see so many openings for carers, babysitters, cleaners and it occurs to me that you didn’t see as many positions advertised because that was what women did, unpaid and largely unappreciated. Telling a woman that she isn’t good enough and that she should be doing more is not what feminism is about. Yes there are still feminist issues to be addressed. When women do the same work and cover the same hours as their male counterparts they deserve the same wage for it but I find myself wanting to fight for it less and less because I see so many self proclaimed feminists who don’t seem to understand what the word means and I don’t want to be associated with them. I don’t want to be a feminist if it means judging other women for not making the same choices as me, I do not wish to celebrate my femininity by belittling men and I don’t want to feel like I’m failing because I can’t fulfil all these different roles and be as successful as I would want to be in them.
I love men. I like knowing I have my partners love and support at the end of the day. That he cherishes me and wants to care for me as I want to care for him. I expect him to respect me as I respect him. I like it when he holds the door open for me. Not because he thinks I’m incapable of opening a door but out of courtesy and I like taking care of him in return. I want my partner to feel loved and respected in our relationship and I expect him to make me feel the same way. Working day Bella is very different to After Hours Bella. I can be in charge in all other areas of my life but when at home with my partner I need him to take charge so that I can let go and I trust him to care for me and make the right choices for us during that time. I get to release all the stress of my day and he takes it all on and deals with it for me. I definitely get the better end of that deal!
I support a woman’s rights to choose whatever path they wish to take in their lives. I celebrate the differences between the sexes and I will work hard to succeed at all my own endeavors while supporting those in my life. I am a feminist!
“The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, the plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have often turned away from the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and information, confusing it with its opposite, the pornographic. But pornography is a direct denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true feeling. Pornography emphasizes sensation without feeling.
The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire.”
― Audre Lorde, Uses Of The Erotic: The Erotic As Power
I love this quote. Especially the last part about aspiration.
When I started this blog it was meant to be more than just about sex and submission but I guess those topics have been my focus lately. So I thought I’d take some time out and think about the things my partner does for me that are non-sexual but have the power to bring me to my knees. 😉
1. Listen – Okay I admit this one can be annoying too when he reminds me of things I said in passing over a year ago which negate my current argument but it does make me feel warm and fuzzy to know he was really listening and considers everything that I say to be worth remembering.
2. Make me laugh – No matter how lousy I’m feeling he always finds a way to get through to me and make me feel better.
3. Make me angry – Unusual but he understands my emotions better than me sometimes and knows when I struggle to express myself that he can draw me out by pushing my buttons.
4. Take care of me – Whether it be making me feel protected when we’re out at night or running me a bubble bath when I’ve had a bad day.
5. Stand up to me – As a sexual submissive I guess it’s only natural that I like this one because in spite of how frustrated I can get sometimes it does thrill me when I see the dominant side to him in any situation.
6. Comfort me – Holding me in his arms and saying nothing. Understanding that sometimes I need to figure it out in my own head before I can fully express it to him and being patient in spite of that making him feel frustrated.
7. Do Chores – I love the way he smells so any excuse to get him working in the garden definitely excites me.
8. Be Silly – I get to see his strong side, his emotional side, his stressed side and his fun side but I only really learned about his silly side after we had our daughter. The way he is so patient and imaginative, making up silly games with her make me love him more every day.
9. Watch me – Okay I get that sounds strange and stalkerish but I like knowing that when we’re out in public and I’m over the other side of the room talking to friends his eyes always find me no matter what he’s doing and who he’s talking to. He always makes me feel like I’m the most important person there as far as he’s concerned.
I can’t decide what order to put these in because it changes depending upon what I need at any one time but I’ve really enjoyed writing it out and spending the time thinking about him and our relationship.
I’ve been pondering this question a lot lately and I’m struggling to find an answer. There have been elements of sexual submission that have appealed to me from my first sexual relationship and naturally that has developed as I’ve tried new things. I’ve never felt as if there were particular acts that I had to include in order to have a fulfilling sexual relationship but recently I find my sexual response to be far more intense if an element of pain is included. It doesn’t have to be much, spanking, flogging, the use of nipple clamps is something I particularly enjoy right now but will this evolve further and at some point will I feel these things have to be included in order to feel fulfilled sexually. Am I becoming more masochistic as I get older? and what does that even mean?
- someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment
If there wasn’t a part of me that obtained pleasure from punishment then I surely wouldn’t allow myself to be in a relationship where my partner was allowed to punish me. Does that make all submissives masochists?
I can hear cries from submissives reading this saying no absolutely not but then at what point is the balance between pleasure and pain just right for it to be described as masochism? Does there have to be an emotional element? I’m not okay with humiliation. Does more extensive physical damage need to occur? I’m definitely not okay with being cut. Neither of those things is specifically stated when defining masochism though so how do you decide?
Finally, if masochism is simply the act of obtaining pleasure from pain then why is it seen as such a perversion even by some in submissive relationships who receive punishment. It seems far more perverse to be in a relationship where you allow that but gain no pleasure from it.
“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”
― Cherise Sinclair, Dark Citadel
I came across the above quote the other day and this for me is one of the absolute joys of submission. I am the most confident, independent and in control woman in every other aspect of my life and I find it so hard to let go of all the stress and baggage which comes with that but through submission I find my bliss.
We’ve all heard that changing diet plays a big part in how your man’s cum tastes but for those of us who don’t have the patience to wait a couple of months for that to take effect and feel that dumping him over it seems a little harsh what is the answer?
Well I have a top tip for you which avoids the need for the awkward “Honey, going down on you makes me want to vomit in my mouth” conversation and will leave him begging for more. What is it you ask?
Simply alternate sucking him off as normal and incorporating a mouthful of water into your routine. He’ll think you’ve picked up some new skills, will love the sensation of the changing temperature and when he cums it doesn’t hit your tongue or back of the throat directly but gets diluted with the water which can be quickly swallowed without you getting the full flavoursome hit!