Bad Feminist


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I always thought of myself as a feminist but there are days where I no longer fully understand what that even means.  To me the essence of feminism was about giving women a choice and celebrating that choice whatever it may be.  My Mum was a stay at home mum, she was there every day when I came home from school, it was what she wanted and I believe it gave me the structure I needed when I was younger and benefited the family as a whole.  It was what worked best for us then.  I on the other hand have been to University (twice – I like to learn!) and have worked for most of my adult life.  The reason I stopped working was to take care of my family, it became impractical to work while my Mum was undergoing cancer treatment and I had young children at home.  As Mum has improved though I feel a sense of judgement.

“When are you going back to work?”

“You can’t sit around and do nothing you know!”

“Do you really want to be one of those stay at home mums who doesn’t have a life?”

“You’re better than that?”

All comments that I have had thrown at me recently and I began to wonder at what point did we stop celebrating a woman’s right to choose and decide it was okay to judge each other for not doing everything?  There is no way I could have taken care of my family, taken my Mum to the hospital daily and worked a full time job and I was incredibly lucky that I was in a position where I didn’t have to but at what point did putting your family first make you open to judgement.  Looking through the jobs pages I see so many openings for carers, babysitters, cleaners and it occurs to me that you didn’t see as many positions advertised because that was what women did, unpaid and largely unappreciated.  Telling a woman that she isn’t good enough and that she should be doing more is not what feminism is about.  Yes there are still feminist issues to be addressed.  When women do the same work and cover the same hours as their male counterparts they deserve the same wage for it but I find myself wanting to fight for it less and less because I see so many self proclaimed feminists who don’t seem to understand what the word means and I don’t want to be associated with them. I don’t want to be a feminist if it means judging other women for not making the same choices as me, I do not wish to celebrate my femininity by belittling men and I don’t want to feel like I’m failing because I can’t fulfil all these different roles and be as successful as I would want to be in them.

I love men.  I like knowing I have my partners love and support at the end of the day.  That he cherishes me and wants to care for me as I want to care for him.  I expect him to respect me as I respect him.  I like it when he holds the door open for me.  Not because he thinks I’m incapable of opening a door but out of courtesy and I like taking care of him in return.  I want my partner to feel loved and respected in our relationship and I expect him to make me feel the same way.  Working day Bella is very different to After Hours Bella.  I can be in charge in all other areas of my life but when at home with my partner I need him to take charge so that I can let go and I trust him to care for me and make the right choices for us during that time.  I get to release all the stress of my day and he takes it all on and deals with it for me.  I definitely get the better end of that deal!

I support a woman’s rights to choose whatever path they wish to take in their lives.  I celebrate the differences between the sexes and I will work hard to succeed at all my own endeavors while supporting those in my life.  I am a feminist!

Who am I?



I did a personality test the other day.  The link to the test is here.

My results showed that I was an ISTJ personality type – Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging

ISTJ Strengths

  • Honor their commitments
  • Take their relationship roles very seriously
  • Usually able to communicate what’s on their minds with precision
  • Good listeners
  • Extremely good (albeit conservative) with money
  • Able to take constructive criticism well
  • Able to tolerate conflict situations without emotional upheaval
  • Able to dole out punishment or criticism when called for

ISTJ Weaknesses


  • Tendency to believe that they’re always right
  • Tendency to get involved in “win-lose” conversations
  • Not naturally in-tune with what others are feeling
  • Their value for structure may seem rigid to others
  • Not likely to give enough praise or affirmation to their loved ones

ISTJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ISTJs are committed, loyal partners, who will put forth tremendous amounts of effort into making their relationships work. Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end. They gladly accept their duty towards fulfilling their role in the relationship. ISTJs are generally willing and able to do anything which they have defined as a goal. So, if maintaining a good relationship is important to the ISTJ, they are likely to have a good relationship. If they have not added this goal to their internal “list” of duties, they are likely to approach the relationship in their “natural” state, which is extremely practical, traditional, and structured.

Sexually, the ISTJ is likely to approach intimacy from a physical perspective, rather than as a means of expressing love and affection. They usually have a problem expressing their deepest feelings, even though they may be very strongly felt. They will expect sex on a relatively scheduled basis, and are likely to honor traditions regarding gender role-playing. Male ISTJs will assert their perspective on their partners, while female ISTJs will tend to follow along with what their male counterparts want (although they will be uncomfortable with anything extremely out of the traditional norm).



I guess I can sort of agree with the traditional gender roles as a sexual submissive but really uncomfortable with anything outside of the traditional norm????

Fantasising to excess


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I spend a lot of time daydreaming.  My fantasies become really elaborate and I can pop in and out of them at will.  Sometimes when I’ve been busy and haven’t had time to daydream I find myself missing the people I’ve created in my fantasies and I stop what I’m doing in order to drop in and spend time with them.  I’d rather daydream than watch TV.  I enjoy reading but often that results in my mind developing the story further so I put the book down and continue the new story in my head where I’m a central character in the action.  I don’t think it’s gotten so bad that it stops me living my life but sometimes I would rather be daydreaming than anything else.  People in my life notice me gesturing occasionally usually when I’m having a particularly heated discussion with one of my characters.  Luckily because I spend time writing short stories etc. I can get away with telling them that I’m working out a plot issue in my head rather than explaining about my secret life.


I do worry about it occasionally, whether it will get worse over time and have even searched on the internet to see if anyone else ever experiences this.  I came across the term maladaptive daydreaming there but I’m not sure my experiences are as extensive as most of the people I’ve read about there.  It did become worse after my Mum was diagnosed with Leukaemia and I quit work to take care of her.  Maybe having more time on my hands during the day and spending less time with friends etc caused me to create my elaborate second life.